 Please Pray for Our Troops and Missionaries Around the World.
|
Merry Hearts Club MERRY HEARTS CLUB
Prov 17:22, A merry heart doeth good like a medicine. . .
Hey Gang,
Have a fantastic year. Here are a few funnies to kick things off. Have fun and remember:
If you can't sleep, try counting your blessings.
Keep smilin' cause Jesus loves you
Sincerely HIS
Wayne
Not as lean, not as mean, but still a Marine
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: "musiclover"
This man in a Volkswagen Beetle pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at
a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls:
"Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls?"
The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do."
"I got one too... see?"
"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."
"You got a fax machine?"
"Why, actually, yes, I do."
"I do too! See? It's right here!"
"Uh-huh."
The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Volkswagen
says, "So, do you have a double bed in back there?"
And the guy in the Rolls says, "NO! Do you?" "Yep, got my double bed
right in back here see?!" The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes
off.
! ; Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he goes
immediately to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in
back of his car.
About two weeks later, the job is finally done and he picks up his car
and drives all over town looking for the Volkswagen. He finally finds it
parked alongside the road so he pulls his Rolls up next to it.
The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels a little
awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on
the foggy window of the Volkswagen. The man in the Volkswagen finally
opens
the window a crack and peeks out.
The guy in the Rolls says, "Hey. Remember me?"
"Yeah, yeah, I remember you. What's up?"
"Check this out... I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."
! And the man in the Volkswagen says,
"YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
No More Bake Beans, Honey!
Once upon a time there lived a woman in Brampton who had a maddening passion
for baked beans. She loved them, but unfortunately they always gave her a
very embarrassing, and somewhat lively reaction. When it became apparent
that she and her boyfriend would marry she thought to herself, ''He is such
a sweet and gentle man but I don't think he can live with my problems.'' So
she decided to make the supreme sacrifice and give up beans.
A year later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived
in the country, she called her husband and told him she would be late
because she had to walk home. On her way, she passed a small diner and the
odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand.
Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she could walk off any
ill effect by the time she reached home. So she stopped at the diner, and
before she knew it she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All
the way home she putt-putted.
Upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it. Her
husband seemed excited to see her, exclaiming delightedly, ''Darling I have
a surprise for dinner tonight.'' He then blindfolded her then led her to a
chair at the table. Just as he was about to remove the blindfold the phone
rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold till he came back. Then
he went to answer the phone.
The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure
was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she
seized the opportunity, shifted the weight to one leg, and let it go. It was
not only loud, but it smelt like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk
coming from a pulp mill.
She took a napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then she shifted
to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cabbage
cooking. Keeping her ears turned to the conversation in the other room, she
went on like this for another ten minutes. When the phone farewells signed
the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with the napkin,
placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contently to
herself, she was the picture of innocence when her husband returned.
Apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked and she assured
him that she had not. At this point, he removes the blindfold to reveal
twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a First Happy
Anniversary!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Yogi's Sayings
===============
Take life seriously, but don't take it too seriously.
Be thankful for every unaided step you can take,
but laugh at yourself when you trip and fall in a public
setting.
Be thankful for the ability to speak, but be able
to smile when you up mix words your on ccassion. . .
I mean â?" mix up your words on occasion.
Be thankful for your vision, no matter how imperfect it may be,
but don't hide under the table when you realize that you're
wearing mismatched socks.
I know a lady who got up one lovely morning, got dressed, went
to work, gave her co-workers her usual friendly greeting, even
held a few conversations. She proceeded to get her morning
coffee from the break room, and then went to sit at her desk ---
all before realizing she forgot to take out her hair rollers.
She had NO choice but to laugh because everyone else certainly
saw the humor.
Learn to laugh at yourself.
Here are some malapropisms from the legendary quote master Yogi
Berra. After reading these, you'll be more than convinced that
he knew how to laugh at himself.
"Baseball is 90 percent mental; the other half is physical."
When watching a Steve McQueen movie on TV:
"He must have made that before he died."
"If people don't want to come out to the ball park,
nobody's gonna stop 'em."
"A nickel isn't worth a dime anymore."
"The future ain't what it used to be."
"There's nothing like a home opener,
whether it's at home or on the road."
"You can observe a lot just by watchin'."
"Always go to other people's funerals;
otherwise, they won't go to yours."
"Never answer an anonymous letter."
"Mantle can hit just as good right-handed as he can left-handed.
He's just naturally amphibious."
"When you come to the fork in the road, take it."
After a poor game:
"I think they just got through marinating the greens."
"We made too many wrong mistakes."
"It's déjà vu all over again."
When asked what time it is: "Do you mean now?"
"I usually take a two hour nap from one to four."
Testifying before a grand jury about a New York Yankees' brawl
in a nightclub: "Nobody did nothin' to nobody."
"I am going to buy a Volkswagen or a foreign car."
New York mayor Lindsay's wife, on a hot day:
"You look nice and cool, Yogi."
Yogi: "You don't look so hot yourself."
For a spring training drill, Yogi instructed his players to
"Pair off in threes."
Reporter: "What would you do if you found a million dollars?"
Yogi: "If the guy was poor, I would give it back."
After a waitress asked if Yogi wanted his pizza cut into four or
eight slices: "Four, I don't think I can eat eight."
Yogi used to work with the Yoo-Hoo soft drink company.
A woman once called and asked if Yoo-Hoo was hyphenated.
Yogi said, "No, ma'am, it's not even carbonated."
After attending an opera, Yogi mentioned that he liked it, and
added, "Even the music was nice."
"I never really said all those things I said."
Yogi's son, Dale:
"The similarities between me and my father are different."
And his most famous quote of all. . .
"It ain't over till it's over."
Learn to laugh at yourself ---- It's the best therapy of all.
Author Unknown (except for Yogi)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Thaaaaaaaat's all, folks !
Keep smilin' cause Jesus loves you
Sincerely HIS
Wayne
Not as lean, not as mean, but still a Marine
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: "musiclover"
Date: Tuesday, December 31, 2002 10:41 AM
This man in a Volkswagen Beetle pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at
a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls:
"Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls?"
The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do."
"I got one too... see?"
"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."
"You got a fax machine?"
"Why, actually, yes, I do."
"I do too! See? It's right here!"
"Uh-huh."
The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Volkswagen
says, "So, do you have a double bed in back there?"
And the guy in the Rolls says, "NO! Do you?" "Yep, got my double bed
right in back here see?!" The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes
off.
! ; Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he goes
immediately to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in
back of his car.
About two weeks later, the job is finally done and he picks up his car
and drives all over town looking for the Volkswagen. He finally finds it
parked alongside the road so he pulls his Rolls up next to it.
The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels a little
awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on
the foggy window of the Volkswagen. The man in the Volkswagen finally
opens
the window a crack and peeks out.
The guy in the Rolls says, "Hey. Remember me?"
"Yeah, yeah, I remember you. What's up?"
"Check this out... I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."
! And the man in the Volkswagen says,
"YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: "Terry Duncan" Date: Tuesday, December 31, 2002 12:23 PM
No More Bake Beans, Honey!
Once upon a time there lived a woman in Brampton who had a maddening passion
for baked beans. She loved them, but unfortunately they always gave her a
very embarrassing, and somewhat lively reaction. When it became apparent
that she and her boyfriend would marry she thought to herself, ''He is such
a sweet and gentle man but I don't think he can live with my problems.'' So
she decided to make the supreme sacrifice and give up beans.
A year later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived
in the country, she called her husband and told him she would be late
because she had to walk home. On her way, she passed a small diner and the
odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand.
Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she could walk off any
ill effect by the time she reached home. So she stopped at the diner, and
before she knew it she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All
the way home she putt-putted.
Upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it. Her
husband seemed excited to see her, exclaiming delightedly, ''Darling I have
a surprise for dinner tonight.'' He then blindfolded her then led her to a
chair at the table. Just as he was about to remove the blindfold the phone
rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold till he came back. Then
he went to answer the phone.
The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure
was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she
seized the opportunity, shifted the weight to one leg, and let it go. It was
not only loud, but it smelt like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk
coming from a pulp mill.
She took a napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then she shifted
to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cabbage
cooking. Keeping her ears turned to the conversation in the other room, she
went on like this for another ten minutes. When the phone farewells signed
the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with the napkin,
placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contently to
herself, she was the picture of innocence when her husband returned.
Apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked and she assured
him that she had not. At this point, he removes the blindfold to reveal
twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a First Happy
Anniversary!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: "Michael Dunn" Subject: I THOUGHT YOU WOULD ENJOY THIS......MICHAEL D.
Date: Sunday, December 29, 2002 5:16 PM
Yogi's Sayings
===============
Take life seriously, but don't take it too seriously.
Be thankful for every unaided step you can take,
but laugh at yourself when you trip and fall in a public
setting.
Be thankful for the ability to speak, but be able
to smile when you up mix words your on ccassion. . .
I mean â?" mix up your words on occasion.
Be thankful for your vision, no matter how imperfect it may be,
but don't hide under the table when you realize that you're
wearing mismatched socks.
I know a lady who got up one lovely morning, got dressed, went
to work, gave her co-workers her usual friendly greeting, even
held a few conversations. She proceeded to get her morning
coffee from the break room, and then went to sit at her desk ---
all before realizing she forgot to take out her hair rollers.
She had NO choice but to laugh because everyone else certainly
saw the humor.
Learn to laugh at yourself.
Here are some malapropisms from the legendary quote master Yogi
Berra. After reading these, you'll be more than convinced that
he knew how to laugh at himself.
"Baseball is 90 percent mental; the other half is physical."
When watching a Steve McQueen movie on TV:
"He must have made that before he died."
"If people don't want to come out to the ball park,
nobody's gonna stop 'em."
"A nickel isn't worth a dime anymore."
"The future ain't what it used to be."
"There's nothing like a home opener,
whether it's at home or on the road."
"You can observe a lot just by watchin'."
"Always go to other people's funerals;
otherwise, they won't go to yours."
"Never answer an anonymous letter."
"Mantle can hit just as good right-handed as he can left-handed.
He's just naturally amphibious."
"When you come to the fork in the road, take it."
After a poor game:
"I think they just got through marinating the greens."
"We made too many wrong mistakes."
"It's déjà vu all over again."
When asked what time it is: "Do you mean now?"
"I usually take a two hour nap from one to four."
Testifying before a grand jury about a New York Yankees' brawl
in a nightclub: "Nobody did nothin' to nobody."
"I am going to buy a Volkswagen or a foreign car."
New York mayor Lindsay's wife, on a hot day:
"You look nice and cool, Yogi."
Yogi: "You don't look so hot yourself."
For a spring training drill, Yogi instructed his players to
"Pair off in threes."
Reporter: "What would you do if you found a million dollars?"
Yogi: "If the guy was poor, I would give it back."
After a waitress asked if Yogi wanted his pizza cut into four or
eight slices: "Four, I don't think I can eat eight."
Yogi used to work with the Yoo-Hoo soft drink company.
A woman once called and asked if Yoo-Hoo was hyphenated.
Yogi said, "No, ma'am, it's not even carbonated."
After attending an opera, Yogi mentioned that he liked it, and
added, "Even the music was nice."
"I never really said all those things I said."
Yogi's son, Dale:
"The similarities between me and my father are different."
And his most famous quote of all. . .
"It ain't over till it's over."
Learn to laugh at yourself ---- It's the best therapy of all.
Author Unknown (except for Yogi)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Thaaaaaaaat's all, folks !
|
A lady came to her pastor and asked if he would pray for her because she was so vain about her good looks.
The pastor agreed but went on to say, "Mam, I don't think it's vanity. I think you're just sadly mistaken."
------------------------------------
Dear Pastor,
I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister.
Yours sincerely,
Arnold
Age 8, Nashville
Dear Pastor,
Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson has been a good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson.
Sincerely,
Pete
Age 9, Phoenix
Dear Pastor,
My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon about something.
Robert
Age 11, Anderson
Dear Pastor,
I'm sorry I can't leave more money in the plate, but my father didn't give me a raise in my allowance. Could you have a sermon about a raise in my allowance?
Love,
Patty
Age 10, New Haven
Dear Pastor,
I would like to go to heaven someday because I know my brother won't be there.
Stephen
Age 8, Chicago
Dear Pastor,
I think a lot more people would come to your church if you moved it to Disneyland.
Loreen
Age 9, Tacoma
Dear Pastor,
Please pray for all the airline pilots. I am flying to California tomorrow.
Laurie
Age 10, New York City
Dear Pastor,
Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God's help or a new pitcher.
Thank you.
Alexander
Age 10, Raleigh
Dear Pastor,
My father says I should learn the Ten Commandments. But I don't think I want to because we have enough rules already in my house.
Joshua
Age 10, South Pasadena
Dear Pastor,
Are there any devils on earth? I think there may be one in my class.
Carla
Age 10, Salina
Dear Pastor,
I like your sermon on Sunday. Especially when it was finished.
Ralph
Age 11, Akron
Dear Pastor,
How does God know the good people from the bad people? Do you tell Him or does He read about it in the newspapers?
Sincerely,
Marie
Age 9, Lewiston
MY JOB HISTORY
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned - couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it, mainly because it was a so-so job.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting.
I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work way just too draining.
I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes, but I was fired because I wasn't up to it.
After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
So, then I retired ... and found out I was perfect for the job!
The CAJUN FAMILY TREE OF BEAU GEAUX
His dizzy aunt------------------------------Vertie Geaux
The brother who loved prunes----------------Gotta Geaux
The brother with constipation problems----------Neaux Geaux
The cousin who worked at a convenience store---Shop N. Geaux
The grandfather from Yugoslavia -----------------U Geaux
The niece from Illinois--------------------- She Car Geaux
His magician uncle----------------------Where Diddy Geaux
His Mexican Cousin----------------------------Ah Me Geaux
The Mexican cousin's American brother---------Gring Geaux
The nephew who drove an armored car-----Wells Far Geaux
The uncle serving time in Angola------------- Lemme Geaux
The ballroom dancer--------------------------Tang Geaux
The Asian bird-lover---------------------------Flo Ming Geaux
Her over confident nephew-----------------------E. Geaux
The fruit-loving cousin-----------------------Mang Geaux
The optimistic aunt-------------------------Way to Geaux
The bouncy little nephew------------------------Po Geaux
The niece with the oversized van---------- Winnie Bay Geaux
The Italian grandmother----------------------- Day Geaux
Maybe only Louisiana people will understand the above.
One-liners:
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U C L A.
If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture: a jab well done.
An older couple is lying in bed one morning.
They had just awakened from a good night's sleep.
He takes her hand and she responds, 'Don't touch me.'
'Why not?' he asked.
She answered, 'Because I'm dead.'
The husband asked...'What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another!'
She said, 'No, I'm definitely dead.'
He insisted, 'You are not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?'
'Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts.'
..............
|
Remember...
Once you get over the hill, you'll begin to pick up speed .
If it weren't for STRESS
I'd have no energy at all.
Whatever hits the fan...
Will Not Be Evenly Distributed.
Everyone has a photographic memory.
Some, like me, just don't have any film.
I know...
God won't give me more than I can handle
There are times I just wish He didn't trust me quite so much.
Dogs Have Owners ~ Cats Have Staff
If the shoe fits... buy a pair in every color.
Never be too open-minded, your brains may fall out.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian
any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Bills travel through the mail...
at twice the speed of checks.
If you look like your passport picture...
you probably need the trip.
Some days are a total waste of makeup.
Men are from earth.
Women are from earth.
Deal with it.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand..
Middle age is when broadness of the mind
and narrowness of the waist change places.
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
Junk is something you've kept for years
and throw away three weeks before you need it.
Experience is a wonderful thing.
It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
Learn from the mistakes of others.
Trust me... you can't live long enough to make them all yourself.
I've tried!!
Have A Wonderful Day!
Hold your loved ones close, tell them you love them, for if tomorrow never comes, you'll have no regrets about today!
Ladies you will love this!!!
|
Three Men on a Hike
Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large
raging, violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man
prayed:
'God, please give me the strength to cross the river. '
Poof! .. God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim
across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.
After witnessing that, the second man prayed: ' God, please give me
strength and the tools to cross the river '
Poof! .. God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he
was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.
Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed: ' God,
please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence
to cross the river '
Poof! . He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one
hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.
GO AHEAD, SEND THIS TO A WOMAN WHO NEEDS A GOOD LAUGH AND TO ANY MAN
WHO CAN HANDLE IT!
"If at first you don't succeed, do it the way your wife told you!"
|
1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye...
2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"
3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and sto rmed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"
4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." T he little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.
6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."
7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was.&nb sp; She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these, yourself!"
8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."
9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised, "mine says I'm 4 to 6."
10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool "That's interesting," she said, "how do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."
11 Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "Th e fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."
12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one child. "No," said another. "He's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close."They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."
13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."
14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!
SEND THIS TO OTHER GRANDPARENTS, ALMOST GRANDPARENTS, OR HECK, SEND IT TO EVERYONE.
THE LAWS OF ULTIMATE REALITY
Murphy's Law ADDENDUM
Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
Law of Gravity
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of Random Numbers
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers
Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire,
the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move
faster than the one you are in now (works every time)
Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically
when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Law of The Theatre
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
The Starbucks Law
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you
to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Physical Surfaces
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are
directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
Brown's Law of Physical Appearance
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Oliver 's Law of Public Speaking
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson 's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
Doctors' Law
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there
you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.
SKIPPING CHURCH
================
Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an
exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he
just had to play golf.
So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and
persuaded him to say Mass for him that day.
As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton
headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away.
This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew
from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone.
After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in
church!
At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while
looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going
to let him get away with this, are you?"
The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."
Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight
towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell
into the hole.
IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!
St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked,
"Why did you let him do that?"
The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"
You know you are in Louisiana when you see a car ahead of you with a bumper sticker that reads:
Preaux Life
Now THIS is philosophy that I can wrap my arms around.
Sounds good to me!!
Q. I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong
life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and
that's it... Don't waste them on exercise.
Everything wears out eventually.. Speeding up your heart
will not make you live longer; that's like saying you
can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want
to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and
vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow
eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a
steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of
delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat
chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green
leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your
recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q:How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is
one to one. If you have two bodies your ratio is two to one,
etc.
Q:What are some of the advantages of participating in a
regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy
is: No Pain...Good!
Q:Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!
.... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact,
they're permeated in it. How could getting more
vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft
around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets
bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a
bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?
HELLO
Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best
feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may
have had about food and diets.
And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the
intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well
preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Regular Coke
in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used
up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a
Ride'
AND......
For those of you who watch what you eat , here's the
final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to
know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional
studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart
attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart
attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer
heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer
heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of
sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Americans.
CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
From Mother's Day:
Twenty Five Reasons I Owe My Mom
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
'If you don't straighten up, I' m going to knock you into the middle of next week!'
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
' Because I said so, that's why.'
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.'
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'
7. My mother taught me IRONY
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTION .
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out of it!'
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have enough food
and wonderful parents like you do.'
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until we get home.'
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
'You are going to get it when you get home!'
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.'
19. My mother taught me ESP.
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
'When you get to be my age, you'l l understand..'
25. And my favorite:
My mother taught me about JUSTICE
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.
Quickies
I dialed a number and got the following recording:
'I am not available right now, but
Thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the
Beep. If I do not return your call,
You are one of the changes.'
~~~~~
Aspire to inspire before you expire.
~~~~~
( I LOVE THIS ONE! )
My wife and I had words,
But I didn't get to use mine.
Frustration is trying to find your glasses
without your glasses.
~~~~~
Blessed are those who can give without remembering
And take without forgetting.
~~~~~
The irony of life is that, by the time
You're old enough to know your way around
you're not going anywhere. ( this one is me)
~~~~~
God made man before woman so as to give him
time to think
Of an answer for her first question.
I was always taught to respect my elders,
But it keeps getting harder to find one.
~~~~~
Every morning is the dawn
of a new error.
~~~~~
The quote of the month is by Jay Leno:
'With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, 'Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?'
~~~~~
Some of this edition of MHC favors the "weaker (don't believe that for a second) sex."
WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl..
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
(Keep reading - they get better!!!)
WOMEN'S REVENGE
'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding
items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control
for a television set in her purse.
'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.
'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to
come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to
him legally.'
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the
root, and still be afraid of a spider.
MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with
communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
'It is essential that husbands and wives know each
other's likes and dislikes.'
He addressed the man,
'Can you name your wife's favorite flower?'
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and
whispered, 'It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not
saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of
yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, by marriage.
WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words
women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have
to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked,
'What?'
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how
you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up
first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our
coffee.
The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around
here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just
wait for my coffee.'
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it
says in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show
me.'
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and
showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says
'HEBREWS'
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need
his wife to wake him
at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and
LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he
knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was
9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about
to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5 :00 AM. Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
God may have created man before woman, but there is always
a rough draft before the masterpiece.
==============================================================
Thaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat's all, folks
|
|
